How to go to NO GO pants over the Holidays
10. Visit your in-laws. You will eat more, sit more and drink more. You also get the bonus of seeing your spouse revert back to his/her most childlike behaviors.
9. Plan family and friend Holiday hikes and then don't go because you are hung over on food or alcohol.
8. Travel to a different time zone. You will eat more, sit more and your kids will not sleep so neither will you. Then you will feel like crap and eat more in the morning for "energy".
7. Shove all your business into spanks for a Holiday event so you look two sizes smaller. You will look smaller, but be in so much discomfort and distraction that you will drink more to try to have fun while MISERABLE.
6. Wear heels. You can't walk in them. So you won't. You will have to sit down whenever you can or will have to drink more to numb the burning pain in your feet and back.
5. Bake a ton. Every American should bake sweets and treats for all their neighbors and friends. You know you eat as much as you give away.
4. Give sweets as gifts. Wrap them and wait for unexpected visitors bearing gift. I will have this box of candy or chocolates ready for..... FOR a late night BENDER when it will be devoured in 5 minutes after the kids go to bed.
3. Defiantly binge over the Holidays eating everything you like while telling yourself that you can simply get rid of the extra fat in January. IT ALWAYS WORKS like that. Yeah, just a walk on New Years Day takes care of three months of gluttony. No problem.
2. Drink while you are doing anything for the Holidays. It makes everything better. If you do, drink when you cook, when you are thinking about cooking. Drinking is even helpful when making grocery lists and scanning recipes. Drink to get ready for visits with friends and family as well as when you are actually with them. Make sure to have extra bottles of wine on hand for visitors and then drink them.
1. Enjoy a laugh with friends and family. That really is the best Holiday gift. These tips are meant to make you laugh. Hope they did. Happy Happy Holidays.